“Damn, I look pretty good,” I thought to myself as I strode up on stage.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the conference room two-way mirrors at the bottom of the steps.  This black pantsuit really hides those ten extra pounds I can’t seem to shake since having my second kid.  I flicked my newly-permed strawberry-blond shoulder length hair back, licked my lips and took command of the stage.  Things don’t get much better than this.  Taking a quick scan of the audience, I see that as usual, it’s all men.  I love that.  As a female in this highly male dominated profession, I have to embrace my girly-ness.  Although I tend to be thought of as aggressive (hate that word), I am still all girl.

My makeup is appropriate, smoky gray eyeliner and mascara to bring out my blue eyes, the right shade of lipstick so that my lips look enhanced but not slutty, and just a hint of blush to bring out my cheekbones.  With my fair complexion, I have to be careful not to layer on the makeup too much.  I can go from cute to tramp in one stroke of a brush.

Since I’m tall, at 5’9”, I can really make a fairly commanding presence when I try.  This is fun.  I stroll about the stage as I give my presentation, giving an air of confidence and control.  I even walk off the stage as I talk, into the audience, practically giving the all male, highly technical audience members a heart attack.  I think they’re afraid I’m going to pull an Oprah of sorts and ask them questions.  This is all part of my shtick.  The more I can keep them off balance, the more I feel like I have total control over the experience.  Good thing I’m not a control freak.

But, the reality is public speaking is terrifying.  I’m certain I’ll be called out as a fraud by some technologist who clearly knows more about the subject than I.  I’ve only been dabbling in Operational Support Systems for a few years and while I have a good 30,000 foot understanding of these systems, I couldn’t give you a detailed overview to save my life.  No, I’m one of those pseudo-techno-weenies.  I can manage to skirt through conversations and not look like an idiot, but I’m never the smartest person in the room.  What I do have going for me, though, is creativity and vision.  I can see where the problem is, and how to fix it, without even the vaguest idea of the underlying code.  This conceptual creativity has led me to this podium.  I’m trying to help these highly technical systems admins to think outside their boxes.

I finish the presentation to a thundering applause, or so it felt.  I nodded to the audience, put down the microphone, and headed off the stage.  Feeling proud and a little bit tired, I headed for the far side of the conference hall to the doors to the outside.  As an introvert, I have to force myself to get my game-face on for public speaking.  Once I’m done, its time for some quiet time.

For some unknown reason, this is the only place in the entire two mile conference hall venue where cell phone reception works.  Thousands of IT professionals attend this conference, and here are many of them huddled for space near these doors trying to make phone calls.  I jockey for position until I see the cell bars go up on my cell phone enough that I can place a call.

“Hello?” answered my nanny.

“Hey Suzy, it’s me.  Is Will there yet?”

“No, no sign of him.  He hasn’t called either.  I went ahead and fed the kids, since they were pretty hungry.  You’re coming home tonight, right?”

“Yeah,” I said, fuming that Will wasn’t there, yet again letting down both our nanny and me.  “I’ll be home late, but I’ll be there when you get to the house in the morning.  I’m sorry he’s late, but hopefully he’ll be there soon.  I’ll give him a shout on his cell and see if I can track him down.”  Pause.  Damn, I cursed to myself.  “Can you please start the girl’s baths?  I don’t want them going to bed too late, and who knows when he’s going to arrive.  Is that ok?”

Suzie let out a very loud sigh.  This was not part of the deal, and we both knew it.  She was a really reliable nanny, but times like this were very frustrating.  Her husband hated it when she was late, and she had a son of her own to worry about.  But, I was stuck, and she knew it.  “Fine.  Yes, I’ll do it.  Just let me know if you talk to him, and when he’ll be here.”

“I will.  Thanks Suz, really.  I’ll call you back as soon as I get a hold of him.”

“Ok, bye then.”

“Ok, talk to you in a bit.”

Furious didn’t describe it.  He’d promised he’d be home on time to help with the kids.  When I’m traveling, the deal is that he ends his day early.  When I’m home, I’m the one who is there to relieve the nanny every night.  I need one night from my beloved husband, and he can’t manage to make it happen, I groused to myself.   I took a deep breath.

Nicole Drapeau Gillen, Copyright 2016 All Rights Reserved